Wake up, already!

I guess you should have wallowed in self-pity long enough. For whatever stupid reasons they do, they aren't gonna give any shit. Not then, not now. Does it take long for you to realise that?

Taking you as a substitute? Taking you for granted? Are you really ok with that? Are you fine with that? That's the reason why you abstain from alcohol, yes? That was your downfall too, yes?

Wake up already. Start doing things you like. For no one but yourself. Those things that, for some reasons, you stopped. Be it people's views on it or your own obstinacy.  Forget about it. Do what you like.

If you like it, sing it. If you like it, dance it. If you like it, laugh at it. If you like it, dress in it.

After all, although you have the reflection of the man I hated the most, you have the face of the women i love the most.

Live your life the way you will it. Daryl, be happy, ok?

Why Kathy

I've realised, for the longest time, I haven't post anything about my girls up here. Not too sure why, but I felt I have neglected them long enough.

So here I am, decided to post something about them. And so why not post their back story, I thought.

Not those storylines thing about the girl (which I would love to actually,but probably a little too tedious for someone uncreative like me), but my thoughts and how I came up with their name, why did I choose them etc. And I would definitely start with my first, Kathy.

So... Why Kathy? Why the name? Why the doll?

Well, to be honest, on the day I bought Kathy, my initial plan was not to buy a Blythe, but a Pullip. A Pullip of either Suigintou or Barasuishou (Both from the anime series Rozen Maiden).

I arrived at Dollz Inc. Looked for them, and only Barasuishou was available for sale. I looked for a while, and Mom started telling me, "She looks kinda weird,why not get something else? Why not get a Blythe?". Well, Sis had one, and she is gorgeous. So I told myself, "Why not?". So I returned the Pullip and looked for a Blythe.

First thing I asked was "Can I have the ones with long hair and blunt bangs?". I must admit, the blunt bangs fetish I had was going strong, even back then. So the boss of Dollz Inc brought 2 out. A Can Can Cat and a Bow Wow Trad.

To be honest, my interest was more into the Bow Wow Trad than Kathy,at that point of time. She resembles to me Yomi (from the anime Garei Zero) and Enma Ai (from the anime Jigoku Shoujo). But her price tag was the one that pushed me away. Having only $500 in my bank probably wasn't giving me much buying power or the ability to choose something I like back then. So I went with Kathy, and that was probably and still one of the best decision I made in my life.

Well,immediately after buying her, I swapped her clothes for the ones I bought for her,while paying for her. I was not too fond of her stock dress, and for some reason she just scream punk all over her (and of course, figuratively, mind you).

And you must be asking, why the name Kathy, right? This goes way back when I was a kid of about 11 or 12 years of age.

My father's family owns a seaside bar in East side, and there was this one time that I went with my family. It was a beautiful place, with beautiful ambience,everything. I would go back there now,if it was still around.

There was this girl in her late teens or early twenties working there as a waitress and occasionally, the bartender. She was beautiful,as I recall (I never went there after Mom and Dad divorced). She had a really adorable sweet face. And you can say I had a minor crush on her. I would find excuses to get close to her, like asking for a refill of cola or going to the bar side to look at her. (Yes, I am already oogling at girls even at that age)

Oh yes,and her name? Kathy.

When I got Kathy, for some reason the name Kathy came straight to my mind when I decided to give her a name.

'When you give something a name,for some reason, you will naturally love that something more' - the person who sold Picadilly to Sis.

Probably because she reminds me of Kathy,or probably due to the fact she is a Can Can Cat. Either ways,the name suits her alot, so I guess all is good.

And the origins of her personality? Well, she is probably the amalgamation of my impression of my own personality and my impression of how a cat girl would be. This explains all the rough, uncouth, unlady-like mannerism, and the overload of silly-ness as well as the nonchalant-ness of the things around her. And probably due to her namesake, she has little streaks of a wild party girl in her.

She is really precious to me, a personal treasure (along with Alison, who I will be write a similar post for). She is my birthday gift to myself as well as (and most importantly) a gift to myself bought with my very first pay.

And more of often than not, I would always entertain myself with the idea (in my head) that Kathy and Alison be my heirloom after I have passed on (well provided if I have kids or got married in the first place). They are that important to me. And that they are my 'Mona Lisa's smile', the little things that cheers me up, especially after a long day of work.

I guess everyone have their poison and personal treasure, and mine comes in the form of these two little girls.

Back from outer space.

Hello. It's been a while. A long while since I have posted something here. About close to a year or so?

With the rise of Facebook and whatnot, not too hard to imagine why,right? Recently, I have this penchant of posting long wordy posts. I think I might be stepping on some people's nerve (but hey it is my Facebook wall after all)

So yes, I am back. I would probably post things here (long wordy posts that I probably deemed too long-winded for Facebook and the likes).
I'm back, from outer space.

Food for thoughts.

Ahhh.... After the long and eventful 2 years, one chapter of my life comes to an end while another will open.

I guess i have grown tremendously. I don't think I am the same Daryl as i am 2 years ago. I felt a personality change in me somewhere, yet i still can't list out what it could be.

But i have learnt quite a lot. Traded alot of things away for an experience that i don't think i would get if i lived any other ways.

The best of all things i have learnt, would perhaps be the fact that i am not god, neither superman, nor some invincible guy. I realised i have my weakness and vulnerability. There is just this much i could achieve and whatnot.

While yesterday marks the day i ended my service as a NSF, it also marks the day i am unemployed and throw into the harsh 'outside' world.

To be honest, as much as i told everyone i have a plan for the future, i am clueless as to how should i achieve it. Honestly.

I always thought that i have time to plan it. Before i entered the service, i told myself "I can use the 2 years to plan out my future".
As i graduated as a Private, i told myself 'Alright, let's plan using my remaining time as a NSF".
Yet again, after i graduated as a Specialist, i told myself the same thing.
I procrastinated yet again and again, telling myself i have time on my hands as the wealth of a youth is time.

All these follows on with a busy schedule in camp, with little time for breather. You could also say, being busy was my excuse for not planning my future ahead.

It was only until a few mornings ago, i woke up, while dreading the fact that I have to stay in camp during the last few days of my service to prepare the necessities of a range for strangers I would perhaps not meet again anywhere.

I groan and i moan, as i lazily reached for my phone and snoozed my alarm, scrolling the feeds of Facebook as i lie in.

I saw a peculiar news about members of a K-pop girl group that i always listen to are in hospital for surgery treatment. Curious as i was, i read the news. As i read, i realised that they had met with an accident. It was a bad one.

It was only until i saw the headlines of another post that i realised it was far from bad, it was worse. The member who i favor the most in the group passed away on the site of accident.

It is really sad. Of course it is due to the fact that it was the passing of an idol of mine, a cute one at that. But what struck me the most was the fact that she's 22, the same age as myself.

While i am here lying down on my bed moaning about doing mundane duties, someone of the same age who was supposedly living her long-time dream of being an idol can no longer follow her dream just like that. Her time just stop at that point.

It was then when i realised the fragility of life. How whimsical can God be that he could just take your life away at your shiniest point of your life. For all you know, there is no tomorrow.

I guess the least i could do, is to live my life, live my dreams while i still can. There are people who wish to live their dreams but no longer can, and there are people who can chase their dream but chose to idle around.

I should be chasing dream, living my dearest wish. And i should work hard for it.

Perhaps the last post of 2012

Ah, so in the end, the world didn't end on 21 December 2012.
Told you the world won't end on such a nice number.
You see, paranoia.

Time flies...
So fast that 2011 seems so yesterday.

Working as an intern in Jewel Box,
Being single for the Valentines,
Graduating from RP,
Back working at Jewel Box as a part-timer,
Being in a relationship (though not a formal one),
Spending my time aimlessly,
Having my first maple character to reach 4th job,
Being enlisted to the army,
Having my favorite hairstyle being shaved off,
Donning smart 4 for the first time,
Doing my IPPT for the first time,
Holding a rifle given to me for the first time,
Picking up a girl outside for the first time,
Did my first Standard Obstacle Course,
Had my first Silver for IPPT (straight from fail, skipping the pass phase),
Had and survived 5th Company field camp,
Shot with my rifle for the first time,
Threw my first grenade,
And so many many things that happened along the way.

I could tell you, i did so many things i didn't imagine i would do years ago.
I could say that, all are fun memories, though bitter medicine.

If i were to compare myself, the me at the start of the year and the me now,
I could say many things have changed.
I have became more confident,
More physically fitter,
And other things, good or bad.
But definitely a changed me.

I do have wishes, but somehow, they came falling down.
Sometimes, life feels like it's always going against you, like a current.
But i am positive that i am blessed, that i am lucky in alot of aspect.
I am contented somehow.

But if i were to wish for something, i would say that i want to find someone.
That someone who would really understand me.
That someone who i would really want to be a part of my treasured family.
That someone who would be willing to be a wife to such a weird man like me.
That someone who is like a diamond, beautiful but tough.
That someone who is willing to be my partner-in-crime, doing nonsense with me.
I really hope i can find someone like that.

Wishes........
I really wish to be in the provost, the military police.
I really wish to be in the k9 unit, fulfilling my dream of taking care of German Shepherds.
I hope i can learn how to play the guitar, learn how to mix well (Both music and drinks).
I hope i can pick up Kapap as well, something i want to learn for sometime now.
And yes, i hope i can find my fated one soon. Like real soon.
But sadly, i don't think time is at my side.

It's sad but true.

Hello again.

Hey guys, it's been terribly long since i've visited here, much less posted something.
It's a blink of an eye and 3 months had past since the day of my enlistment.
Many things happened. So much so, they are something that the me 3 months ago would not expect to happen at all.
Overall, i'd say the experiences i had were somewhat extraordinary, to a certain extent.

First, i think i've changed physically.
I have definitely became more darker.
Perhaps as dark as i was when i was in NPCC, in my secondary school days.
And that, i am more physically fit, as compared to my pre-enlistment days, as what i heard from the people around me.
Perhaps it's due to the vigorous training that was given to us every single day.
And those that i put on top of all those that was already given to us.
I want to be better.
Well, and i can just say that life rewards those who gave their best in achieving what they want.

Next, it'd be that i've changed mentally as well.
Maybe it's the physical change that affects my confidence as well. I don't know.
The only thing i know is that i am more confident than how i used to be.
But at the same time, i think i'm starting to feel tired about how ugly human nature can really be.
Although i know of this for quite some time, but now, i start to realise i should do something about it.

I found, no, i should say i re-found my purpose for my life.
You could say, i re-realised how important my family can mean to me.
How much they can power me to do things beyond the limiter i gave to myself, mentally and physically.
Even if they have changed so so much as compared to the past, nothing can change the bond.

On love wise, i think i am really putting a rest to it.
I have been trying too hard.
Only now i realised that, i was never my fault that i can't get anyone.
I realised that it is that they don't have good eyes to see the good out of me.
Too bad for them, it's their loss.

And i am sick and tired of girls rejecting me with 'You are a nice guy, you deserve someone better'.
Fuck you. Who doesn't want to be treated nicely?
If you don't want me, just tell me straight, or that 'we are not compatible' and full stop, that is good enough.
You don't need to tell me that, it makes me feel like being nice is a fault itself.
It's just being hypocritical to say something like 'you are nice' and shit like that as a way to reject someone.
What? Is it that you like being treated like shit? You like to be abused?
Fuck, i can't understand at all.

If i am going to find someone in the future, i really want someone who can be Bonnie and Clyde with me.
We can be partners-in-crime, we can go places together and can be both lovers and best of friends all at the same time.
We can even go like 'It's you and me against the world' or something along those line.
I always long for something like those, but never did came true.
I don't think i found that someone who can make me feel that.
I wonder when will that time come?

I just returned from Field Camp.
It was something i dreaded alot, even before i enlisted.
Now that i think back, how the hell did i even managed to survive the past 6 days?
I can't understand at all.
But one thing i know, the heart in me which screams to go back home safely and in one piece just pushes me hard through the whole predicament, the longing of wanting to go back home makes me hang on even at the toughest of time.
I guess that is where it re-enforces the purpose of me doing and survive this whole thing, life itself.

I guess i am a changed man now, after all the things that have happened.
Is it good or bad? I have no idea.
The only thing i know is that i have changed, and that is that.

"Being yourself" X "Fitting in the society"

It is the big question, the turn-point of everyone's life, part of growing up.
I am rather caught up by these thoughts.

Like they all say, "Be yourself", "Be the person you are", "Be the person you are comfortable being as".
But when one does something like that, you can hear people saying things like "That guy is weird", "You're weird" and stuff.
As i always define it as 'One man's meat is another's poison', at some degree, at some extent, such words still sting, especially spoken by someone close.
It is true that 'The ones who hurt you the most is the ones who you loved the most'.
It's only when they matter to you, that their words carry a great amount of gravity, thus hurt even more.

So, back to the question, what would you do? To 'be yourself'? Or to 'conform to what is expected of you?'