And....

Hey guys.
Time flies doesn't it?
I don't know but,to me,time really flies.
So much,that i have realised,i haven't have much time left.
Life's gonna be busy.
Very busy.

But,after all this episodes.
I realised alot of things.
You could say,i have matured from this,i hope.
Now after all this,i have decided,or realised what i want.
What i want,how i want,and what i need to do.

I realised,all the while,i have been trying to do something.
Without really realising what i want and all.
And also,why i want.
But now that i know.

I realised,i have always been scared of making decisions.
Perhaps,that's why i have always been so immature.
Or rather,the other way round.
I always wanted things to not change.
So i tried to make things stay how it is,trying not to touch it.
But eventually,things will change.Everything will.
But i fail to realise,present is future's past.
The more i try to turn things back to the past,i didn't actually enjoy the present.

And also,i know what i want now.
I realised that the someone that is so important to me,is all the while in front of me.
That,i have always been neglecting her.
Now that i realised,everything that i wished for,actually revolves around her.
Thus,instead using the 'effort' to find that 'some other people',i'd rather put that and spend that on this someone special.
I can't live my life under influences of others,so afraid of what they think and all.
I know,i will never be happy this way.

So,from now on,i want to be the man who will my own decision.
And...

I'm back.And i guess i've sorted out some of my feelings.

Hey guys~
I'm back from Outer Space.Haha~
Just kiddin'.
But you know what?
It was a roller coaster ride for me.
And even now,i'm not sure if i'm out of it or not.
But now...
I just wanna express my feelings as an expression.
A prose perhaps,like what i have learnt from Literature classes when i was in Secondary.
So here we go,ok?



Not long ago,Dad left me with a caterpillar,before he left the family.
It was a very rare one,with magnificent colours.
He told me to take good care of it,for it will turn into something magnificent in the future.
In my opinion,it was because he held it very dear.
Naturally,i promised him.Yet,i resented it.
Why? It is just a caterpillar,i cannot understand why someone could hold it so dear.
Even if i tried to,the hair on it would irritate me.
I didn't like it one single bit.

Ok,perhaps it's true,i might be jealous of it.
It stole everyone's affection from me,the supposed owner of the affections.
But then again,it's proposterous.How can a person like me be possibly jealous of something so small? It doesn't make sense.

I was told to take care of it.I was told to give it the attention it needed.
It was a hassle,to bring a caterpillar out.
Don't you find it silly? No one does it nowadays.
But aww well,i will do it.Since i've promised that someone i resented so much,yet deeply respect.

But as time goes by,perhaps it wasn't much of an hassle.
I mean,it is still something magnificent.Everyone likes it wherever i bring it around.
And slowly,even i myself start to like it.
I mean,it isn't that bad as what i thought it would be,what i used to think it to be.
And somehow,i started to understand the 'potential' of the caterpillar which Dad told me about.
"It would eventually turn into a very beautiful butterfly"

And you know what? I am chasing butterflies now.I like it.
They are so magnificent.So beautiful.Even beautiful isn't the word to describe it.
Well,i still bring the caterpillar around with me.
And i know letting that caterpillar mingle with the butterflies,it would be something great.

And gradually,i start to realise,the effects of letting the caterpillar mingle with the butterflies.
It is starting act like one.
Well,somehow,i didn't really like it.I don't know why.
But i told myself,maybe such changes isn't bad.

Now,i have learnt how to catch butterflies.
Trying so hard,but i can catch none.
It is so difficult.
But i still bring my caterpillar along...
Wait,the caterpillar,it doesn't seem as like how it used to be.
There is a change.But i didn't really think it will affect much.
So,i ignore it.

I caught a few butterflies,but it didn't feel as great as how i thought it would be.
The butterflies eventually flew away,which makes me sad.
But the caterpillar,is still with me.

So,one fine day,while trying to catch a great butterfly,i fell.
Hurting myself very badly.It hurts.
And as i turn to look at the caterpillar that is with me,i realised,that caterpillar,is starting to turn into a butterfly.
And i start to realise,all the changes that i have seen in the caterpillar,is for that moment.
I was estatic.
The moment,it's near now,isn't it? The moment to own a butterfly.

Thus,i try to catch the butterfly with my own hands.
As i try to catch it,it flew further away from me.
I tried again,the results repeats.
And i start to see that,the 'caterpillar' is flying high,magnificently with other butterflies.
It is a great sight.
But somehow,i feel kind of weird,seeing the 'caterpillar' fly so high.
And i start to see the distance.
That as much as the 'caterpillar' is flying higher,i can't seem to reach it.
Because,i can't fly like the 'caterpillar'.

Now that i want it back,i tried the old ways of bringing it back.
Since i know how much the 'caterpillar' used to love leaves.
The 'caterpillar' did perch on the leaf,but that's not what i wanted.
Then i realised,the 'caterpillar' has changed.
It doesn't like the leaves anymore.
I feel sad somehow.It isn't like how it used to be.

And from time to time,the 'caterpillar' would come back to me.
But as i try to hold it,yet i fear of holding it.
I'm so afraid that holding it like how i used to would break it due to its fragility.
As much as i want to,my fears is bringing me away from it.

Slowly slowly,i then realised.
As much as i wanted a butterfly,it's in front of me all along.
And when it turned into a butterfly,perhaps,it didn't turned out as what i have expected it to be.
And that,it is truly the classic example of 'Be careful what you wished for'.

Now that i realised this,i know what i all along wanted now.
I didn't really want a magnificent butterfly.
All i want,is actually that caterpillar.
And how it used to be.
But you know,a butterfly,can never be a caterpillar again.

But since i know now what i want.I know i won't be hunting for butterflies like how i used to.
But instead,i will take my time to search for something that would remind me the times when i am with the caterpillar.
Now,i can only look up to the 'caterpillar',for it is flying up high in the sky.
But i will not try to catch it now.
At the very least,it is by my side.
That and the memories we used to have is more than enough.
But of course,if it is possible...
All i wish for is for the 'caterpillar' to be like the caterpillar it used to be again.
But,time will never return to how it used to be....



Ok,with this,i end it here.
How you guys think of it?
It didn't went as well as expected.
But it conveys the feelings that i have.
Yes,i really wanted the 'caterpillar' to read this.
But of course,i don't think it have learnt how to do it yet nor it will come and read it.
And perhaps,someday when the 'caterpillar' come here,read this and understand...
I wonder if we could ever return to where we were....

Sorry if i have sounded silly or nonsensical.
I am sorry.

Ah,i think i feel much better now...For now?