"Being yourself" X "Fitting in the society"

It is the big question, the turn-point of everyone's life, part of growing up.
I am rather caught up by these thoughts.

Like they all say, "Be yourself", "Be the person you are", "Be the person you are comfortable being as".
But when one does something like that, you can hear people saying things like "That guy is weird", "You're weird" and stuff.
As i always define it as 'One man's meat is another's poison', at some degree, at some extent, such words still sting, especially spoken by someone close.
It is true that 'The ones who hurt you the most is the ones who you loved the most'.
It's only when they matter to you, that their words carry a great amount of gravity, thus hurt even more.

So, back to the question, what would you do? To 'be yourself'? Or to 'conform to what is expected of you?'

Vicious Cycle

Good evening, people. To those who reads this (I'm not even sure who will read this).
I have been inactive here, being 'on and off', posting things.
And certainly, from time to time, it's about me ranting about things around me.
Please do not mistake that as a way of showing my unhappiness about the world, like a disgruntled teenager (although sometimes it appears to be that way)
It is merely a way, something to make me feel better about the situation.
Think of it as a release of emotion. Lest it gets overly bottled up, and its undesired backlashes of some sort.
Today's post is definitely about that.

I'm always being stuck with the same situation, then head here to vent my unhappiness here.
It's always like that. Like a vicious cycle.

I always believed that, two years ago, i lost someone important. Not physically, but mentally.
And every single time, i always hope this important person would return.
And every single time, i blamed myself for the disappearance.

As time goes by, time and again, i was hurt by the same person.
And as far as i know, and from what can i see, it's all one-sided.
Me caring for the person, me think about the person, me putting everything in front of myself for that person.

I always ask myself,
"Have i not do enough for her?"
"Have i not done enough?"
"What did i do?"
"What can i do?"
"What should i do?"
I still can't find the answer.

And everytime, telling myself that i have to let go.
It's like an advice to myself that i never follow.
I never did.
Tried, but could never do.
How important to me, is her?

At some point of time, i'm convinced that it was the things around here, the people around her that influences and cited that change in her.
I hated them.
I always wanted her to distance from them.
I knew that they won't do good for her.
And everything always proves themselves right.

It is always time that tells the tale.
And that i have to wait.
Sometimes, i always ask myself, why can i see things far clearer than everyone.
I find it a curse than a gift.
Nobody listen to the things i warned them about.
Nobody gives a fuck.
So what for? Spending my efforts, caring for them. Wasting my efforts, trying to steer them out of harm's way.
It's the same. They are fools who eventually throw themselves into the fire.
So why do i still care?
Simple. They are important to me.

But the catch is, am i of the equal importance?

Recent events kept me thinking. Gave a some food for thought.
Should i just stay, doing what i always do? And be upset in the end?
Or should i move on? And perhaps find a better ending.

I tried warning her about her 'best friend'.
The things i know, the jealousy her 'best friend' felt towards her.
I am here warning her, and there she goes, calling me 'like a gossip girl'.
I could have put it to deaf's ear.
Why, i could have sat there, do nothing, and see how everything goes, clap my hands at how things go, and laugh at it. I have the best seat in the house.
Why did i not do that?
'cause i care.
And to be called that, in the end.
Bravo.
Well done.

I am truly saddened by the way things go.
I should just wash my hands off things.
I should have sit there, and buy myself some popcorn.
I should have just wasted my efforts on something else that is perhaps more meaningful than this.

We are, sadly, no longer that close.
Sad to say, the 'her' she used to be 'died'. She died two years ago.
All that is left is another person.
Someone who i am not closed to, looks like her, but no longer is her.

And as time goes by, gradually, i had forgotten how close we used to be.
Now that the distance is getting bigger.
All is but a memory.

I am not longer the happy Daryl i used to be.
My temper is getting worser, i am no longer cheery.
Not to push the blame, but i am sure it is because of this.
If you are not happy with the things around you, how can you be happy overall?

I'll be real honest here.
I am jealous of her friend.
Why does she treat her like shit, yet still being given so much attention, so much care to, when i, someone who did so much, wasn't given a single fuck?
I can't understand why.
Blood is thicker than water? Bullshit. From what i see here.

I guess emotion is a thing of an excess.
I will try to put it away somehow.
It only pains me, to have them.

I guess being happy or contented isn't a good thing.
Once things change, you won't be happy anymore.
Just like me in the past. Look at me now.

It's been a long long while...

It's been at least more than a month since then last post, safe to say?

It seems like everything that happened within this past two months is like a dream, or at the very least, something surreal.

I was working at Jewel Box, my old work place. This time as a part timer.
But all these just happened for a short one month, before i received my letter for enlistment.
Yes, the letter that shook my world at that point of time.
Why? 'cause i expected it to be in September, not June.

And to add on top of it, i would really have nothing to hate about working at Jewel Box, until someone stepped in my tail.
Yes, even in the place which i enjoyed alot.
Call it 'being backstabbed' as you please, but i would prefer to call it 'a  learning process'.
To start with, I didn't like that particular colleague of mine.
And on top of that, i think one of the reasons why one of my colleague left is due to her as well.
Never liked hypocrites and backstabbers to start with.
Ugliness is what that is being portrayed by the heart, which suits perfectly what that person is.

Ah, it's been at least more than 2 months since i was back there.
I wonder how my other colleagues, who i treasure dearly, are doing now?
I hope they aren't being bothered much by that idiot colleague of mine.

So in my one-month hiatus, in preparation of my enlistment, things happened.
I fell into something which i thought was a full-fledged relationship, with love.
It wasn't.
Ended up with me realising it was all infatuation all along.
And that, i cannot afford to fall for someone else.
Not before i really learn how to love, how to see the other party's fault and understanding them.

It took me quite a while to realise that 'it's a want, not a need'.
And it's not enough to be called 'a want that is close to need'
It's far from that.
I guess with my personality of that sort, i ended up hurting someone else again.
Or would hurt someone else, in the future.

And to top all of that, time is no longer a property of mine, or safe to say, in a few months' time.
I will be enlisted to the army, to serve the nation and do my country proud.
At the expense of my freedom.
But it's what every man here have to do, something you have to fulfill here to call yourself a man.

I guess it's not appropriate for me to have someone, to be in a relationship.
It would be utterly unfair for my partner.
I would not be able to give her 'time', a bare basic which contributes to a strong relationship.
And to want her to stay by me when i could not even give her the simplest of the simplest requirement in a relationship, it's really unfair for her.

Of course, you would say, if she really loved me, she would wait, or stay.
I thought so too.
But given a long thought to it, is the foundation there? Is the trust there?
Especially someone like me, who can't trust that easily.

I want to be in love, yes. I want to be loved unconditionally, yes.
But who is willing to give it to me, without a promise of being requited?
Of course i would love to return the feelings, and perhaps even more than the person.
But what are words? When the other party could not see its action and its significance behind them.
When the action, which means alot to you, might mean nothing to the other party?
You must understand, the other party is not you, and vice versa.
You can't expect the other party to understand you, to feel what you feel.

So maybe, it's a really true.
That i should just stay single.
For i am a selfish hypocrite who love lying to himself.

So a twist of fate, granny had a fall at the last week of my hiatus.
It was a very bad one.
Which had her two fractured legs, wide gapping wounds which requires skin grafting.
And which later requires her a month-long stay in the hospital.
Words are not enough to describe the situation.

And dementia has caused the situation to be in a deeper situation.
With her denying her fall, and causing her restlessness.

Yes, i applied for deferment with that as a reason.
Apparently, i got it.

And...
For the past one month, it has been hospital visiting everyday.
Commuting to and fro everyday.
It's the least i could do, as a grandson, right? And it was the reason that i applied for deferment after all.

But now that she's back, i guess it would be slightly easier now.
And i just hope everything will be for the better.
I just hope for that.

ilights on Earth Hour.

Hey guys.
Procrastinated as always, about blogging.
But it has been really busy these few days.

Was working at the warehouse for the whole week of last fortnight.
And was back at the Jewel Box last week.
Will be working, in order to support my thirst to go out.
It's really scary, how much you can spend just by going out.
But i want to see more things.
Had enough of cooping at home.
When boredom sets in, you tend to think too much.
Before long, life will be a drag, melancholic and miserable.
I'm really amazed at how i could stay at home for such a long time, in the past.

Ok, shall talk about what happened the other day when we were at ilights....
Wait, the day before it.

I was there after work, loitering around Marina Bay.
Seriously, it's my favorite haunt next to Orchard Road.
Oh come on, free good music by indie bands performing there, isn't that great?
To be honest, i find the indie bands performing there really good.

Just like on that day, it was this band performing at amphi-theatre.

That lady had a rather strong vocal, with a husky feel to it.
But still, i still find another band which i heard sometime ago better.
It was somewhere during Valentine's day.
And she had her own variation of 'I don't wanna miss a thing'.
It's really captivating.
It's a waste i did not catch the name of the band.
To be honest, local bands like these deserves more recognition and what Esplanade does is giving them the justice they deserve =)

After lingering in the amphi-theatre for a while, i decided to head down to the exhibits of ilights.
I'm just addicted to it, i must admit.
I mean, how can you not be attracted to nice things, right?
Call me superficial, but such a man i am.

But i managed to stay around at the floating stadium area only.
It seems that my leg injury hasn't recovered.
Thus, i went back after taking some pictures.
So here's some pictures i took before i headed home.

Went there the next day with family, since Sis wants to take some pictures for her portfolio.
There was two events held side-to-side with ilights on that night.
First was the dog show or something.
When we were there, there was alot of doggies here and there.
It's a fun sight.
But what caught our attention was this huge guy.

An Alaskan Malamute.
His head was definitely large than mine.
He's just huge, but friendly.

Oh, and the next event?
It's the Earth Hour.
Yes, the power was cut off soon after we arrived.
So the exhibitions wasn't powered and thus, no ilights for us for an hour or so.
Pretty silly as it sounds, but we found something much more interesting.

It was this group of enthusiasts playing this kite-like fly object.
They look spectacular, especially with coordination.
Little words can describe how it feels, except for seeing it for yourself.
Well, luckily i had taken it down on video.
So i could share with everyone =)

And here's what i took.

We decided to wait till the light is back.
But before then, there was much to see.
Like for example, this elderly couple making figurines using dough.

Something nostalgic. Reminds me when i was young. Haha~
Then there's also this group which plays the percussion instruments which donning lighted suits.

How cool is that?

Well, it was really fun that night.
I enjoyed myself pretty much.
Isn't it a good way to enjoy your weekend?

As for now, it isn't a good weekend for me.
You know, having flu (or just an overheat) isn't something enjoyable.
Being under the weather takes a toll on the body, i suppose.
The weather's being a bitch these days.

And planning did go rather smoothly as well.
But i'm not sure whether they hit the 45 minute mark.
Aww well, i've gotta head down to Ray's place to record.
Perhaps on Tuesday or Wednesday.
Gotta check with him.

Ah, gotta go now.
Bathing and resting soon.
Nite~

Tired. Lethargic. Fatigue.

Hey guys.
Currently feeling real tired now.
Guess working two days straight carrying stocks does take a toll on my body.
Especially it's one that rarely exercises.
But on the bright side, pay will be in real soon.
So i can get those things i'm keeping-in-view of.

Recently, i'm coming up with a list of things i want to get.
Those things that i will buy once i have enough.
So far, here's what i place in my 'wishlist'
- More Fierce Angels Album (I'm eyeing on a few now)
- Bargrooves Albums (Saw a few, heard a few, love their album art)
- Marshall Minor (They're like bass amps in the form of earphones)
- Pioneer HDJ-1000 Black Limited Edition (I know i have my own headphones, but i admit that i'm greedy)
- Pioneer DDJ Ergo (Yes, after seeing Ray's deck, i am inspired to get one for myself)
Well, there are more. But so far, these are what i can mentioned of, from my tired brain.

And i don't know what, i was reminded of a conversation i had with a friend not too long ago.
Well, we were talking about our past relationship, when we spoke of our current state of being single.
Then she said something which makes perfect sense.
"... So now, as i am single, God must be writing a good story for my next relationship.
God... You can take your time to write it, as long as it is a good one..."
It was this statement, which made me realise being single isn't that bad afterall.
Rushing into one, always ends up pretty badly. For me at least.
So awww well, i'm staying as how i am.
'It's your loss for not choosing me, it'll be your fortune if you do.'
That's my stance on the situation.

Oh yes, and it's just less than an hour that i saw the ad for JUICE DJ quest.
Yes, i really wanna join.
At least, to give myself a chance to go up that stage and shine.
It will be a good opportunity (as well as an excuse) for me to brush up my skills.
I will come up with a few good mixes, hopefully, and choose the best one to submit.
Keep you eyes peeled.

Getting some shut eyes soon.
Ciao~

Last week, fun week

As promised, here's my next entry.

Last week was just eventful, so many things done.
And... Everyday returning home late.
But sure am i happy.
I sure did have fun.
I guess i was really enjoying life as it is.

Ahh, i'll start chronologically, shall i?

Monday...
We went to Ray's place to watch movie.
Apparently, it was supposed to be something from the genre of horror.
But since Shou Xian isn't good with that, so we kinda dropped that idea and went for something more friendly for everyone.
Thus, we went for Zombieland.
It's a comedy about zombie apocalypse.
And it's pretty good actually.


Tuesday:
Went to Ray's place again to record my house mix.
Well, i messed up quite a number of time, and took quite a long while to get them done.
Finally, it was done, and....
I got to try the DDJ Ergo which Ray won the other day.

Man.... It looks so cool, and even more cooler when you turn it on.
My gosh~
But he decided to sell it away.

Oh yes, by the way, here's my mix

Like it? I think the previous one is much better though.
But i am equally satisfied.
But i think i'm going for deeper sounds.


Wednesday:

Ray and me went for the semi-finals of the Pioneer DJ competition.
Well, it was pretty good.
Saw a few of my friends who i have not seen for quite some while.

And....

Had my first taste of taco, thanks to Ray.
Man.... It's like popiah, Mexican style (as said by Ray)
Well, with the sauces and all.


Thursday:
We went to see ilights at Marina Bay.
But before that, we headed to Shou Xian's place for lunch, then hang out for awhile.
Had a mini session, trying out the chorus of the acoustic version of Glamorous Sky.

We then headed to the Singapore Flyer to have our dinner.
We had our dinner at the foodcourt.
Love how they styled it.
Inspired by the old yester-years of Singapore, it looks as if we leaped back through time.
But i guess pictures speak a thousand words.

And the food was great as well.

Had Hokkien Mee, and i must say, it's really good.

And heading our way to the ilights area after dinner, we treated ourselves to some great artworks.

Here are a few that we saw along the stadium area.

And...
Personally, i like this one.
It's called 'White Rain'.

Consist of many tubes containing motion receptors which senses movements and emit light and sound according to the movements detected.
Here's roughly how it is.


The next one was this.

I like how it turned out.
It looks as if it was drawn like a 2D art onto the picture taken. How cool is that?

After that, we headed toward the Marina Bay Sands side.
I must note that the view from Marina towards the city area is simply fantastic.

See?
Need i say more?

There are some really note-worthy artworks that i must speak of.
Like this one.

At one glance, it's a just a tower of light, nothing more nothing less.
It was until Ray saw it at one glance.
So what he saw?

Amazed, all of us started to try to look at the artwork while shaking our heads.
It's pretty ironic, as moments ago, we were laughing at people for looking silly while shaking their heads.
Here's a footage of how it would turn out to be, if you shake your head.

Cool isn't it?

The next one is this.

Similar to the one we saw at the Arts Museum.
I find it totally great. As if a gate to the twilight zone.

And...
Kraken attacks~

Looks pretty cool uh? It fits the place it is in, just picture-perfect.

Here's other displays along the Marina Bay Sands.

After that, we headed down to Fullerton's direction.
Here's one that has a creepy vibes to it.

Note that it is those umbrellas used by Thai monks, and there are ringing sounds that keeps playing.

There's also these containers. They are part of the artworks.

But i find them quite an artwork themselves, if they were just placed on the field by themselves.
So there are a few segments inside of them.

There's also the Red Igloo.

Looks pretty cute, isn't it?

And the glowing mushrooms....

Oh, here's one interesting part about them.
They are all made of stirrers. Yes, the ones that you use to stir your cocktails and drinks.

Reaching the Fullerton Bay Hotel, i guess nostalgia hit me hard.
It used to be a jetty, which Mom, Aunt and Granny used to bring me to.
We used to go there, take a boat, and head down to this island called Kusu Island.
Now, it's refurbished, renovated and used as a luxury hotel.

Nice, isn't it?

Next, we went to the artwork, which perhaps might be the highlight of the ilights display, in my opinion.
It's the Merlion.

You get the chance to 'color' the Merlion in different colors.
The last time i went with Jun Yao, the kids colored them very nicely.
With colorful colors and all.
But this time, the youngsters didn't do a pretty good job.
Aww well....

I also took some panoramic pictures along the way to Esplanade.

Like it?


To be honest, i really like to go out like this more often.
It prevents myself from thinking too much, and making myself all miserable at the end.
But i will face another problem if i do that so often.
It would be running low on funds.
Yes, going out means spending lots of money.
But somehow, it's kinda worth it, don't you think? =)