It's been at least more than a month since then last post, safe to say?
It seems like everything that happened within this past two months is like a dream, or at the very least, something surreal.
I was working at Jewel Box, my old work place. This time as a part timer.
But all these just happened for a short one month, before i received my letter for enlistment.
Yes, the letter that shook my world at that point of time.
Why? 'cause i expected it to be in September, not June.
And to add on top of it, i would really have nothing to hate about working at Jewel Box, until someone stepped in my tail.
Yes, even in the place which i enjoyed alot.
Call it 'being backstabbed' as you please, but i would prefer to call it 'a learning process'.
To start with, I didn't like that particular colleague of mine.
And on top of that, i think one of the reasons why one of my colleague left is due to her as well.
Never liked hypocrites and backstabbers to start with.
Ugliness is what that is being portrayed by the heart, which suits perfectly what that person is.
Ah, it's been at least more than 2 months since i was back there.
I wonder how my other colleagues, who i treasure dearly, are doing now?
I hope they aren't being bothered much by that idiot colleague of mine.
So in my one-month hiatus, in preparation of my enlistment, things happened.
I fell into something which i thought was a full-fledged relationship, with love.
It wasn't.
Ended up with me realising it was all infatuation all along.
And that, i cannot afford to fall for someone else.
Not before i really learn how to love, how to see the other party's fault and understanding them.
It took me quite a while to realise that 'it's a want, not a need'.
And it's not enough to be called 'a want that is close to need'
It's far from that.
I guess with my personality of that sort, i ended up hurting someone else again.
Or would hurt someone else, in the future.
And to top all of that, time is no longer a property of mine, or safe to say, in a few months' time.
I will be enlisted to the army, to serve the nation and do my country proud.
At the expense of my freedom.
But it's what every man here have to do, something you have to fulfill here to call yourself a man.
I guess it's not appropriate for me to have someone, to be in a relationship.
It would be utterly unfair for my partner.
I would not be able to give her 'time', a bare basic which contributes to a strong relationship.
And to want her to stay by me when i could not even give her the simplest of the simplest requirement in a relationship, it's really unfair for her.
Of course, you would say, if she really loved me, she would wait, or stay.
I thought so too.
But given a long thought to it, is the foundation there? Is the trust there?
Especially someone like me, who can't trust that easily.
I want to be in love, yes. I want to be loved unconditionally, yes.
But who is willing to give it to me, without a promise of being requited?
Of course i would love to return the feelings, and perhaps even more than the person.
But what are words? When the other party could not see its action and its significance behind them.
When the action, which means alot to you, might mean nothing to the other party?
You must understand, the other party is not you, and vice versa.
You can't expect the other party to understand you, to feel what you feel.
So maybe, it's a really true.
That i should just stay single.
For i am a selfish hypocrite who love lying to himself.
So a twist of fate, granny had a fall at the last week of my hiatus.
It was a very bad one.
Which had her two fractured legs, wide gapping wounds which requires skin grafting.
And which later requires her a month-long stay in the hospital.
Words are not enough to describe the situation.
And dementia has caused the situation to be in a deeper situation.
With her denying her fall, and causing her restlessness.
Yes, i applied for deferment with that as a reason.
Apparently, i got it.
And...
For the past one month, it has been hospital visiting everyday.
Commuting to and fro everyday.
It's the least i could do, as a grandson, right? And it was the reason that i applied for deferment after all.
But now that she's back, i guess it would be slightly easier now.
And i just hope everything will be for the better.
I just hope for that.
