While waiting my hair to dry....

Yes, i just bathed.
I know it's damn late.
But, you know me, that bad habit of procrastination i need to curb.

So while i wait for my hair, which is wet from the bath, to dry...
Let me share somethings.

Yes, as much as i want to share the Lamborghini pictures i took yesterday (Or the day before),
I'm afraid i do not have the mood to do that.
For some reason, i feel kinda down.

I guess i might want to share how i feel somewhere.
I don't feel like telling it to anyone in particular (Since it might be more of a bane than a boon).
But i want an outlet where i can vent those feelings on, not to keep it and make me feel more worse.

So here goes.
It's been quite a long long time since i've been in an relationship (and even speak of one, come to think of it)
And interestingly, my colleagues wondered why i do not have a girlfriend (Even i want to know why, honestly)

I gave it a hard thought (Not too hard actually).
I have a reason to it somehow. Just that i didn't want to face it somehow.
You see, to be honest, if i were to more confident, i can point out all my strengths.

If you want to talk about looks, i've seen much average (or below-average) guys having girlfriend (pretty, in some case).
If you want to talk about talents, i can sing, i can write, i can play with music. I can be professional.
If you want to talk about personality, i don't think i'd lose out to anyone. I am gentlemanly at my own rights.
Isn't that what girls want? (That's the main reason why my colleagues don't understand why i still don't have a girlfriend)


But i somehow have the reasons to it.
I've start to realise that it always leads to me stumbling over courtships that goes nowhere.
I've been always courting people who won't fall for me.
But that's not the problem.
The problem is that, even at the start, i knew it would never work.
And that, unconsciously, my efforts for it is rather half-assed.
Meaning to say, i half-assed it, without me consciously realising it.

And what leads to this, i've actually realise the 'roots' to it.
Thing is, i've always fallen for this person in particular.
But knowing i can't be with her, no matter how hard i try, how much i wanted it.
But then, i want only her.
Thus, if i try to fall for others, i can't seem to do that.
You can say, whenever i fail at courting someone else, i would somehow tell myself i'm lucky or something.

This person has certainly influenced me.
But no matter what, i can never be with this very person.
Besides, i don't think she'll ever fall for me. (But if she do, it's definitely a dream-come-true)
My feelings for her, dated back for a long long time.

Even if she say things like 'This guy is cute/handsome/charming', i can only agree with her, even it feels so sour inside.
And even if one day (and definitely, eventually) she were to fall for someone and have a relationship with that person, i can only feel happy for her even if it's killing me inside.

And i guess only recently, she's getting back into contact with this someone who she likes sometime ago.
Somehow, i feel kinda weird inside.
It feels like an internal battle inside me, with one being happy for her, and another side sour/sad.
Thus, if the situation leads to (let's say) them being together, i can't anything but to feel really really sad, yet having to show that i am happy for her, i guess.

Whenever she says she lonely, i always wanted to tell her 'I'm here for you'.
Whenever she needs someone, i always wanted to tell her 'I can be the one'
When i see her message of saying someone flirting, i always wanted to tell her 'don't look at him, look at me please'
I've always wanted to tell her 'I love you'.
But the whole situation feels like holding a butterfly in your hand.

.....
Ah, my hair dried.
Time to get some shut eyes.
Hope these negativity can go away soon.