Winter solstice.

Time flies.
Before you know it, the year's coming to an end.
Maybe it's due to the fact it is a busy year.
Alot of things did happened.
Many things.

Many things that happened, many occasions, got me think about life.
Yes, more or less about the future, how am i gonna look at it, how am i gonna work towards it.
I am already 19, and 2 or 3 more weeks, 20.
I'm not the small kid anymore.
I can't afford to not think about it.
But whenever i do, i don't know.
I don't know what i want to do for my future.
I have no ambition.
After being disappointed with many things in life, i do not dare wish for an ambition, except for the fact of being a good father and a good husband.
And even being good at that, entails of having a good job that earns steady income, which i have not the slightest idea of.

And when i think about life, naturally i would go to think about love too.
I've been stumbling for it for at least the past 5 years.
It seems like whoever i falls in love with, would not fall for me back.
It's either i'm really good-for-nothing, have no good eyes for a partner, or plain luckless.
It's sad isn't it?
While you can see girls dying for guys who don't give a shit to them, or treating them like dirt, somewhere on this part of the Earth, you see people like me wishing for someone to love and don't get any.
And you get to hear people saying stuff like, "All good guys are dead or gay"
It's frustrating.
Am i not good enough? Am i not kind enough? Am i not helpful enough?
Or is it, am i not rich enough? Am i not good looking enough? Am i not talented enough?

I don't know, i don't think i did anything to deserve stuff like, girls treating me like shit after having me, when i did my best for them.
I don't think i deserve to be ignored either.
Much less, having to feel sad for someone, who i thought would eventually love me back.

For now, i guess i'm doing well.
I'm working at somewhere which i can get to see different kind of people everyday.
The good, the bad, the weird and the plain stupid.
I get happy, i get angry, i get amused, i get frustrated.
In exchange for that, i just feel fatigue.
I start to realise, life is pretty much not like what i thought it would be.
I used to stand firmly on the stance 'Treat how you want people to treat you'.
After this whole thing, it just shakes my faith in it, probably bringing it down to ground zero.
It seems, for this unreasonable world, it's just a plain myth.
Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm kinda tired.
Physically, mentally, figuratively, literally.
It seems like, i'm grower thinner, weaker and lighter.
I think if this goes on, something must be very wrong.
But even if it is so, i might not want to face it.
I don't want to be of any kind of burden to anyone.

I guess i've learnt alot.
I've really gotta rethink my life.