Vicious Cycle

Good evening, people. To those who reads this (I'm not even sure who will read this).
I have been inactive here, being 'on and off', posting things.
And certainly, from time to time, it's about me ranting about things around me.
Please do not mistake that as a way of showing my unhappiness about the world, like a disgruntled teenager (although sometimes it appears to be that way)
It is merely a way, something to make me feel better about the situation.
Think of it as a release of emotion. Lest it gets overly bottled up, and its undesired backlashes of some sort.
Today's post is definitely about that.

I'm always being stuck with the same situation, then head here to vent my unhappiness here.
It's always like that. Like a vicious cycle.

I always believed that, two years ago, i lost someone important. Not physically, but mentally.
And every single time, i always hope this important person would return.
And every single time, i blamed myself for the disappearance.

As time goes by, time and again, i was hurt by the same person.
And as far as i know, and from what can i see, it's all one-sided.
Me caring for the person, me think about the person, me putting everything in front of myself for that person.

I always ask myself,
"Have i not do enough for her?"
"Have i not done enough?"
"What did i do?"
"What can i do?"
"What should i do?"
I still can't find the answer.

And everytime, telling myself that i have to let go.
It's like an advice to myself that i never follow.
I never did.
Tried, but could never do.
How important to me, is her?

At some point of time, i'm convinced that it was the things around here, the people around her that influences and cited that change in her.
I hated them.
I always wanted her to distance from them.
I knew that they won't do good for her.
And everything always proves themselves right.

It is always time that tells the tale.
And that i have to wait.
Sometimes, i always ask myself, why can i see things far clearer than everyone.
I find it a curse than a gift.
Nobody listen to the things i warned them about.
Nobody gives a fuck.
So what for? Spending my efforts, caring for them. Wasting my efforts, trying to steer them out of harm's way.
It's the same. They are fools who eventually throw themselves into the fire.
So why do i still care?
Simple. They are important to me.

But the catch is, am i of the equal importance?

Recent events kept me thinking. Gave a some food for thought.
Should i just stay, doing what i always do? And be upset in the end?
Or should i move on? And perhaps find a better ending.

I tried warning her about her 'best friend'.
The things i know, the jealousy her 'best friend' felt towards her.
I am here warning her, and there she goes, calling me 'like a gossip girl'.
I could have put it to deaf's ear.
Why, i could have sat there, do nothing, and see how everything goes, clap my hands at how things go, and laugh at it. I have the best seat in the house.
Why did i not do that?
'cause i care.
And to be called that, in the end.
Bravo.
Well done.

I am truly saddened by the way things go.
I should just wash my hands off things.
I should have sit there, and buy myself some popcorn.
I should have just wasted my efforts on something else that is perhaps more meaningful than this.

We are, sadly, no longer that close.
Sad to say, the 'her' she used to be 'died'. She died two years ago.
All that is left is another person.
Someone who i am not closed to, looks like her, but no longer is her.

And as time goes by, gradually, i had forgotten how close we used to be.
Now that the distance is getting bigger.
All is but a memory.

I am not longer the happy Daryl i used to be.
My temper is getting worser, i am no longer cheery.
Not to push the blame, but i am sure it is because of this.
If you are not happy with the things around you, how can you be happy overall?

I'll be real honest here.
I am jealous of her friend.
Why does she treat her like shit, yet still being given so much attention, so much care to, when i, someone who did so much, wasn't given a single fuck?
I can't understand why.
Blood is thicker than water? Bullshit. From what i see here.

I guess emotion is a thing of an excess.
I will try to put it away somehow.
It only pains me, to have them.

I guess being happy or contented isn't a good thing.
Once things change, you won't be happy anymore.
Just like me in the past. Look at me now.