In a limbo

Been thinking alot about everything.

I've been a bad boy.
I've been lying all the time, for the past few years or so.
To myself.

I told myself, if you treat people well, people will treat you well too.
Apparently, i really believed in Karma, or 'do what you want others to do you'.
It's either the world is too fucked up to follow this wonderful logic, or i'm so fucked up that i believe in it.

Ends up what happen?
I give my 195% to people who i deemed as important.
Didn't seem like it reap what it deserves.
All the time.
I'm not trying to do things and asking for returns.
All i ask for is just to be appreciated.

Apparently it also cause vicious cycle.
People only treat you good when they need your help.
Thus, you can say, it's labelled as 'Sucker'.
You know, like those kinda old time cartoons.

Really, i'm tired of all this.
I'm tired of being a nice person.
I'm really tired.

Yes, i know it has its perks.
I get to make friends with even the most difficult of people.
And i do get help from people around me.
I appreciate that.
Really i do.
These are the reasons why i can't bring myself to change.

But still....
I don't 'doing what you want others to do to you' befalling in the way i want it to.
Seriously.

Sometime, i give so much to people, and it doesn't seem to reciprocate.
So am i just stupid to do so much?
Come to think of it, isn't it a good food for thought?
'If output is the same, would you still give in more than what is needed?'

I think i just need to take some time, and really think over.
How should i face life.
How should i go about dealing with life.
How should i walk my life.

The more important a person is to you, the more greater will they leave a hole in your heart.
For they have a great portion of your heart.