Weird weird inside.

Evening people~

I'm not so emo, i guess.
Guess i really thought it through, for now.

So you must be wondering, what is it that causes me to feel 'weird weird inside', as stated by the title right?
Well, i'm really doubting myself.
After seeing the semi-finalists for Live Mix Maestro (Yep, Ray, Shai, Fadd and Areen in it =D ), i'm really inspired by them.
But at the same time, i'm really wondering, is the way i normally play bad/good?
How is it?
I mean, i don't see anyone playing the same way like me, except for radio channels, which has really different agenda from me.

But i feel really weird changing my style.
I mean i want others to feel the song, feel the whole of the song.
But.... I don't know.... It just feels weird, to change and not to change.

But i think i will go back to play Beach House.
Something that i really enjoy playing.
After all, i remember the reasons why i play those tunes.
I want to play something that everyone will know how to appreciate.
Something that will appeal to a different crowd =)
And reflect my personality~
It guess it's really hard to find something that you love and describes you at the same time =)

Guess i wanna share something with you guys.

Feeling The Night - Kaskade
I love this kind of music. Something that you can chill out, relax listening to it. I mean, it's pleasant. Don't you think so?

Anyways~
Just now, i had my lunch at Faber Bistro.
I think it's the first time i had my staff lunch in Jewel Box.
My gosh, it's really good, both the food and scenery.

I first had my Carbonara Penne with Ham or Bacon (I can't tell their difference =X )

Then i called for Cream of Tomato after that.

I guess it's ok to splurge and dote on myself with food from time to time.
For being a good boy =)

Yea, It's totally good.
And totally enjoyed my company with Haiqal and Tiger.
Otherwise, it's just boring 'staring at the sky' session while thinking about life, while waiting for the
food to come.

And...
After reading a magazine while waiting for my hair cut, i read this interesting article.
It was about dating and dating agencies.
Come to think of it, i find it quite a novel idea to go for such stuff.
I don't know.
I mean, it's a way to look for partner right?
Besides, i don't know, who knows, maybe i can find someone there?

But then again, i think i should just drop this silly idea of mine.
It's just a waste of money.
Haha~
But it's kinda funny thinking about it.
Aww well~

Totally late, totally bored.

I'm really bored now.

The net's laggy, so gaming's out of the equation.

Pretty groggy, so doing the report won't be something i'd do today (Though it's due really soon)

I don't want to feel bored.

Once i do, i tend to think too much.... And you know the rest.

To be honest, i'm already starting to think about something already.

Linda did told me once.

I didn't move on.

Which i think it's really true.

It seems like, i don't bear to move on, thinking everyone would stay the same.

Well, everybody eventually does, and i'm the only one who doesn't.

Ends up? I'm the only one who stays stagnant.

Angie says that i didn't change. Still the same Daryl she knew back then, when we were primary school kids.

I guess i was just too contented about how life used to be, you see.

I love it when Mom's still prepared great dishes and a pot full of soup for dinner during weekend.

I love it when Sis and me were talking about subcultures (Especially punk lolita, since she's good with that)

I love it when we head to nearby malls like Jurong Point on Saturdays for dinner, and relaxation.

But things have changed.

I'm always busy on weekends, due to work.

Mom and Sis will always be away on weekend, at Uncle's place.

Sis is now obsessed with cosplay, not what she used to like and be anymore.

But i guess, i will eventually get used to it.

It's just that i'm not used to it as of now.

And i'm at the midst of getting used to everything now.

I know i have been harping on Sis changing so much since she went into the world of cosplay.

But it's true.

She changed so much, she isn't the girl she used to be.

Just changed so so much.

I prefer the old her. 

The cute little petite girl who packs that spunky-ness.

She thinks differently from peers her age, which makes her so cool.

That 'punk princess' which i could really relate to.

That crazy cat lover who i could go 'cat-hunting' with, and playing with them for hours.

That cool but lonely girl.

Sometimes, i really wonder.

If i had not went or brought her to the photoshoot at Fort Canning, would things be different from now?

I know, i would know one good friend lesser (and that would be Luna).

But at the same time, would Sis still be in cosplay like now?

Sometimes, i really think, if Joy and Miao didn't say she looks like Miku, will she still dabble with cosplay and be the her now?

If they didn't say that, would she have already become the little punk princess which she initially wanted to be? (and that i like)

Sometimes, now that i think back, i somehow do feel a slight resent towards them for saying that.

And thinking about the reasons that Sis joined cosplay...

I don't know. I didn't like that.

She wants to find friends from there.

But from what i can see, majority are childish conformist.

Of course there are some great people here and there (Personally, even i became friends with them)

But others are just.... Off.

And among that, there's a whole bunch of unpleasant people.

Keyboard warriors, 'hyena and jackals' ('We're strong, 'cause we're in groups'), conformists (as mentioned above), and even perverts.

There's more to name actually. But they're just at the back of my head.

I know i'm being overprotective, and being abit over-zealous.

But fuck it, if you were me, wouldn't you feel the same?

How the hell can you not be worried?

Well, all these are my thoughts of that matter since the last 2 years.

Maybe writing it here, might make me feel better a little.

And it kinda irks me.

How did someone that cool has fallen down to the level of those people.

That's what she has changed into. One of them.

It feels as if, either they have taken my sister who i used to love and respect away, or they 'killed' her (Think 'Punk is dead. Poser killed it'). 

From that whole episode, i come to resent, hate, dislike 'otaku'.

Yes, that also mean i resent my lifestyle and mindset which i used to be.

So if you wonder, why i don't like to be related as otaku and stuff, this is the reason.

And just if you think this is something new, it isn't.

I've been like this ever since she got into cosplay.

And at one point, i thought i gotten used to this, and relaxed on it a little.

Just recent, something triggered something.

And i realised, i still feel the same.

I should realise something since a long time ago.

That aspect of Sis which i really loved and adore, is not gonna return.

We can never return back to the past, which i missed so much.

So, what i have learnt from it?

Treasure what you have now.

I guess i'm out of the forest, for now.

I think i'm thinking clear now.

I think i should really move on.

There's nothing left here now.

In a limbo

Been thinking alot about everything.

I've been a bad boy.
I've been lying all the time, for the past few years or so.
To myself.

I told myself, if you treat people well, people will treat you well too.
Apparently, i really believed in Karma, or 'do what you want others to do you'.
It's either the world is too fucked up to follow this wonderful logic, or i'm so fucked up that i believe in it.

Ends up what happen?
I give my 195% to people who i deemed as important.
Didn't seem like it reap what it deserves.
All the time.
I'm not trying to do things and asking for returns.
All i ask for is just to be appreciated.

Apparently it also cause vicious cycle.
People only treat you good when they need your help.
Thus, you can say, it's labelled as 'Sucker'.
You know, like those kinda old time cartoons.

Really, i'm tired of all this.
I'm tired of being a nice person.
I'm really tired.

Yes, i know it has its perks.
I get to make friends with even the most difficult of people.
And i do get help from people around me.
I appreciate that.
Really i do.
These are the reasons why i can't bring myself to change.

But still....
I don't 'doing what you want others to do to you' befalling in the way i want it to.
Seriously.

Sometime, i give so much to people, and it doesn't seem to reciprocate.
So am i just stupid to do so much?
Come to think of it, isn't it a good food for thought?
'If output is the same, would you still give in more than what is needed?'

I think i just need to take some time, and really think over.
How should i face life.
How should i go about dealing with life.
How should i walk my life.

The more important a person is to you, the more greater will they leave a hole in your heart.
For they have a great portion of your heart.

I think the CNY post can come later or something.

It's Chinese New Year, i know.
But i guess i'm just a fucked-up worry wart, always worrying about things that i shouldn't be worrying about.
So, i guess posts about CNY and all those can wait.
Not in the mood to share it happily, though i was definitely happy about it.

So what's up this time, you must be asking, right?
It's just some thing that bothers me, never fail to bug me.
You know, nothing bothers me as much as this subject.
Ok, from now on, until the end of this post, you might not understand a single thing that i'm gonna say.
It's normal. It was not meant to be understood. I just want to release the feelings. I just want to feel better.
So if you get it, so be it. If you don't, too bad. And if you don't like it, feel free to click the red button over the top right corner.

I know that it is natural. The things that's going on now (Or what i thought might be going on), is natural.
Damn natural.
But i couldn't bring myself to let go, much less let loose.
Just as i thought i was ready to let loose, an idiot just have to say something.
And it just upsets me.
And only to make me realise, i'm not ready afterall.

I know, i'm being over-zealous.
I know, i'm just being too overboard with my 'duty'.
But hey, what if she gets hurt?

And now, with that in mind, i think i going back to what i think she didn't like me to be.
Fuck it, i can't help it too.
And the more i think about it, the more i have to agree.
That, the problem is me, and nobody else.

It's selfish for me to put my personal feelings inside.
Yes, i admit i am jealous.
Yes, i admit i am jealous.
And yes, i admit i am jealous.

You know, the valet lady in my workplace, did highlighted my weakness/fear.
Spot on, hitting the nail on the head.
But that's just the surface.
There's something deeper. But i don't wanna let anyone know.

It's becoming a problem, and it's gonna get worse if it's not gonna be curb soon.
It's excruciating, and i don't know what to do.
I'm stuck in a limbo.

I don't know what to do now. I really don't know what to do.
I think i'm thinking too much.

That's my weakness.
I tend to think too much about the things/subject/person i concern.
To the point i start to feel negative.
A fucked-up bad point about me.

What should i do now?

A new year... And another adding up to my age.

Hey guys~
Ah, so another one years is added up to my age.
So, i'm not really young anymore uh....

Ah, so shall i talk about how did the new year went?

Start with new year's eve, shall i?
Was working on that day.
Had seen fireworks happening at 3 different location.

And man.... It's perfectly awesome, if you asked me...
Well.... Would have been much better if i wasn't feeling sick or being scolded by guests.
But hey, the fireworks really lifted up my mood =)

Ah....
So today marks the end of my teenage years.
Um, feel nothing special actually =X
Hahaha~

But seeing how things go, i might wanna try this.
I will show the journey of my changes (if any)
Haha~

So we'll start with whatever i dug out from my computer, Facebook etc.

This was the first camwhore picture which i took, with the intention of making into my profile picture.
I look kinda big-headed here. Hahaha~

Oooo~  My favorite profile picture at that time.
Was suppose to make my coordinate look like it's inspired by my idol.
But think it didn't go that well uh?
And come to think of it, such a waste the bangs were too short....
If only it was longer....

By this time, my hair was cut short, for the sake of DHHM.
Something which i didn't really like actually.
But hey, they say it suits me.
So awww well....
Note that there's a hand up on my shoulder.
Who's fingers are these? 0.0

I still remember this.
Initially, i got a number that is at the back... Which means that i would have to wait a very long time for my turn, which in turn would make me even more nervous.
Luckily, Faizoul (Or was he?) had a switch with me, so i got with my favorite number.

Ahhh~  Here's my favorite picture of all time yet.
I love this. How it turned out.
I didn't realise when it was taken.
At that moment of time, i was actually panicking, don't know what to do.
Was already messing up so so much.
I'd say the photographer is a pro, to turn a picture of a panicked me into something so nice. Hahaha~

Hahaha~  Was fooling around with Sis in MOS Burger in Ngee Ann City that day.
She took it, and laughing her ass off.
My gosh, for one moment there, even i myself find it humorous, at how i could make my face turned out like that.
You think? =D

Pictures of me mixing.
The top one was at BluJazz, during last year's Vibes and the bottom one was when i was at this school's (Can't remember the name) event EMP sent us.
On a random note, Vernon A was there.

Man... He's a real friendly guy =D

This was taken last year.
I'd say, the most memorable excursion in my poly life.
I'd really enjoyed myself for the day. It was so so fun.
Hahaha~
Made me realised that, i love visiting places like these. Hahaha~

These was much more recent.
This was taken when i went for interview for the job i'm having now.
Yup, this is also the first time i took the cable car. Hahaa~

Right after a day or two, i play for Spin City.
I like what i played that day.
But sadly, there wasn't any crowd.
Don't think anyone likes it =(

And this....
The backdrop was fantastic. It's no wonder why everyone likes to take picture here, honestly.
Need i say more? =D

So that's how i look like now =D
Before the current haircut.
But hey, once it grows out... It's the same =_=
Hahahaha~~~~

So, guys.
How you see the change here?
Hahahaha~

Ok, i wanna play my games now.
Yes, did i mention that i am back to playing maple?
It feels so nostalgic.

Ahhh~
Niteeeeeee~~~ =D

Before a new year, onward to the end.

Hey guys~
Less than 24 hours to 2012.
How you guys are feeling about it?
Especially those who are same as me, in terms of age.
This year marks the end of your teenage years.
Looking forward? Or dreading it?

Ah, i'm not too excited actually.
I'm falling sick =/
It's kinda silly to have yourself falling sick on New Year's Day, and nearing your birthday, you know.

This past year have been a fast one.
Blink of an eye, it's the end of the year.
Don't you agree?

I think i have not yet spoke of going up to the Logos Hope.

Yes, it's a big bookfair (not so literally) on a big ship (Now that's literal).
It's quite cram inside, due to crowds and shelves.

There's a selection of fictions, cookbooks and children books.

In there, i saw a few interesting things.

Especially this one.

It's nostalgic.
I remember asking Mom and Dad for coins and playing this when i was a young boy, while observing the coins spiral down into the hole.

I thought i would enter it the second time, but i did not.
Aww well.... Hope it comes back again~

For Christmas, i got myself my birthday and Christmas present.
It consist of a great deal.

I got 3 albums for the price of 1... And the feel of mixing the songs in them.
Honestly, if you love House music in general, or Disco house, or Funky house, you'd definitely love it.

And also....
Went to have lunch at MBS with family the other day.
We had ours at Din Tai Fung.
I've gotta admit, they have the best Xiao Long Bao i have tried, yet.

Had fried rice as my main. The pork chop is fantastically great =)

After lunch, we went the LV boutique nearby.
My~~ It's really nice. Took a few pictures.

And it intrigues me even more, to find myself outside of MBS.
The outdoor deck looks pretty awesome, especially for tonight, i think.

Such a long post regarding my past days.
What to do?
Procrastination got me good  ^_^"

Ah....
So you would be asking, what's my new year's resolution, and what i have done for this year right?
So lemme see what i had for new year's resolution for last year...
Nope, i did not do it... And confused Alison's birthday =(

Err, so lemme see what's my new year's resolution for 2012...
- Try to get a spot on Streetfest 2012 (Provided i have not entered in NS)
- Survive NS
- Having more confidence in general (Life, myself, etc.)
- Finally try out a Punk get-up (Yes, make-up and all)
- And last but not least... To be a better man.

Ah, so you heard mine....
So what's yours? =)

Ok, gotta go~
Enjoy your New Year's Eve with a blast.
I'm gonna have mine, working and seeing fireworks..... And praying hard not falling sick for the next few days =/

Winter solstice.

Time flies.
Before you know it, the year's coming to an end.
Maybe it's due to the fact it is a busy year.
Alot of things did happened.
Many things.

Many things that happened, many occasions, got me think about life.
Yes, more or less about the future, how am i gonna look at it, how am i gonna work towards it.
I am already 19, and 2 or 3 more weeks, 20.
I'm not the small kid anymore.
I can't afford to not think about it.
But whenever i do, i don't know.
I don't know what i want to do for my future.
I have no ambition.
After being disappointed with many things in life, i do not dare wish for an ambition, except for the fact of being a good father and a good husband.
And even being good at that, entails of having a good job that earns steady income, which i have not the slightest idea of.

And when i think about life, naturally i would go to think about love too.
I've been stumbling for it for at least the past 5 years.
It seems like whoever i falls in love with, would not fall for me back.
It's either i'm really good-for-nothing, have no good eyes for a partner, or plain luckless.
It's sad isn't it?
While you can see girls dying for guys who don't give a shit to them, or treating them like dirt, somewhere on this part of the Earth, you see people like me wishing for someone to love and don't get any.
And you get to hear people saying stuff like, "All good guys are dead or gay"
It's frustrating.
Am i not good enough? Am i not kind enough? Am i not helpful enough?
Or is it, am i not rich enough? Am i not good looking enough? Am i not talented enough?

I don't know, i don't think i did anything to deserve stuff like, girls treating me like shit after having me, when i did my best for them.
I don't think i deserve to be ignored either.
Much less, having to feel sad for someone, who i thought would eventually love me back.

For now, i guess i'm doing well.
I'm working at somewhere which i can get to see different kind of people everyday.
The good, the bad, the weird and the plain stupid.
I get happy, i get angry, i get amused, i get frustrated.
In exchange for that, i just feel fatigue.
I start to realise, life is pretty much not like what i thought it would be.
I used to stand firmly on the stance 'Treat how you want people to treat you'.
After this whole thing, it just shakes my faith in it, probably bringing it down to ground zero.
It seems, for this unreasonable world, it's just a plain myth.
Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm kinda tired.
Physically, mentally, figuratively, literally.
It seems like, i'm grower thinner, weaker and lighter.
I think if this goes on, something must be very wrong.
But even if it is so, i might not want to face it.
I don't want to be of any kind of burden to anyone.

I guess i've learnt alot.
I've really gotta rethink my life.

EOY 2011

Hey guys.
Long time no see.

Yup, things are getting busier in work.
Well, it's December afterall.... Christmas. You know.

Anyways, today was EOY 2011.
Yup, the third EOY i've been. And... Sad to say, it's getting bad to worse.
But i did enjoy.
Not from the event, but from the accompaniment of my friends.

Honestly, i lost the hype of going to such events long ago.
Only reasons are bringing sis there, meeting friends, or singing.

Like i said just now, i'm so happy to see Fox~
I couldn't recognise her, for she was cosplaying.
My my~
She waved to me, and i still couldn't recognise her. Talk about my slow reaction.
Collected the stuff i ordered from Taobao from her.
And she was so sweet to add in clothes for Kathy and Alison.
I couldn't thank her enough.

And it's really my pleasure to see her today.
Just made my day.
We took some pictures together just now =D

The second picture being my favorite one.
You know, if my wig and make-up plan did go well, i really want to have a photoshoot with her. =)

The second person who made my day was Mandy.
So happy to see her. But she seems to be in a hurry.
So we just took one picture together only =/

Ahhh~
And i finally got my tail~~

Love it lots.
But i'm gonna have some modification to it.
Gotta make it strong enough to withstand my rough-ness =X
Gonna drop by West Mall someday to get the stuff i need =D

Ok guys~
Gotta go for now~
Nite~~